One of the common questions we receive from our service users is about the impact that circumcision has on the relationship between parents and their children. Many people have asked us the best way to reconcile with their parents (fearing that addressing their dissatisfaction will ruin the relationship). We also hear from parents who want to fix a broken relationship with their son resulting from a negative experience from circumcision.
There are no two situations that are the same. Some parents are more open to discussing things with their sons than others, and some people are quicker to forgive their parents than others too. It can be said that attempting to approach this subject could improve the relationship and heal trauma, or it could severely damage the relationship and embed the issue further. The majority of those seeking a step towards resolution are the men who wish to make peace with their parents. To them, we would advise that they first try to consider the following before approaching this difficult subject.
What do you sincerely want from the interaction with your parents?
Is it an apology, understanding, or a desire for them to feel the pain that you are in? An honest reflection on this can also help to put in perspective where you are in terms of your own journey.
How are your parents likely to react?
Some parents are more open than others and calmer in sentiment. Others have a stronger egoic identity and struggle with criticism, self-reflection, and accountability. Some parents will never admit any wrongdoing or take responsibility in the way that you might hope, and the relationships between some parents and their offspring can add an extra challenge to the dynamics of open conversation. This is something to be prepared for to help you decide whether this is a conversation that you are able to have with each other.
How will you feel if you do not find what you are looking for?
If you do not get the reaction you expect, can you cope with the consequences of how this may affect the relationship?
Can you express yourself with calmness and clarity?
If this is not the case (as can often be so for resentment trauma) then writing down your feelings and thought processes can go a long way to ensure that you can get the message across. It also stops the heat of the moment from sabotaging the way you express yourself and moving you further away from your goals.
Time to talk to your parents?
Once you have answered these questions, it may be useful to write down your thoughts in order to prompt you if you are approaching them in person. Writing can be a helpful way to communicate with your parents in order to get across your full feelings on the matter without immediate resistance or interruption. Try to avoid reacting to over-defensiveness, and often the first response will be to justify the decision.
Writing is also be useful even if you decide not to discuss this issue with your parents, as it will help you to understand your own thought processes and feelings on this matter.
15 Square tries to remain passive and impartial as to whether discussing this issue with parents is advisable as we have seen both scenarios play out. It has been an important part of the healing journey for some, yet others have found that their relationship with their parents becomes even more fractured in the short term, and on some occasions much longer. Anyone who decides to walk down this path should do so understanding this.
This complex subject can be very difficult to resolve and requires a lot of patience, which can be difficult for both parents and men approaching this incredibly challenging subject. If you undertake this journey, we hope that it eventually contributes to the healing process. 15 Square also offer support for individuals that have been affected, and parents who wish to learn more. To join our Together, Not Alone meetings you can sign up for membership here.
Follow the link if you want to know more about why circumcision is sometimes harmful.
If you are a parent looking to find out more about the potential outcomes of infant circumcision, please find more resources here.