Suicide Prevention Month: When Someone Talks About Circumcision Harm, We Need to Listen
During Suicide Prevention Month, one message appears again and again: if you are struggling, talk to someone. Talking matters. Reaching out matters. Finding support matters. But there is another side to this conversation that deserves far more attention.
What happens when somebody does talk?
What happens when a man finally tells a partner, friend, family member, doctor or therapist that he is struggling with the impact of circumcision? What happens when something he has carried privately for months, years or even decades is finally put into words, only to be dismissed?
At 15 Square, we hear from men affected by circumcision in many different ways. There is no single circumcision experience and no single response to having been circumcised. For some men, circumcision has little or no negative impact on their lives. Others contact us experiencing grief, anger, loss,sexual difficulties, relationship problems or distress about what happened to their bodies without their consent. For some, the psychological impact is significant.
These themes are similar to the stories that are shared by other individuals who have faced trauma, including some of the women from cultures practicing female circumcision.
Conversations about suicide prevention cannot focus entirely on telling people in distress that they need to speak. The rest of us need to know how to listen. Awareness of this issue is scarce, and professional training is non-existent.
“Because it is unmentionable it has attracted an aura of shame which contributes to the feeling of loneliness.”
Speaking about circumcision harm is not always easy
Circumcision remains a difficult subject to discuss openly. A man trying to explain that he is distressed about being circumcised may already expect disbelief or ridicule. He may have encountered people who see circumcision as too commonplace to cause harm, or who assume that; because many circumcised men do not report problems, that nobody should. There is a societal assumption of disbelief when they hear someone complain of this issue.
Many men who do speak out have spent years questioning whether their reaction is legitimate, and wonder how many others have had the same trauma response.
Talking about circumcision may also mean talking about deeply personal subjects: his body, sexual function, relationships, childhood experiences, consent, medical treatment, family decisions or cultural expectations. There may be anger alongside grief. There may be embarrassment. There may be difficulty finding the right words. Sometimes somebody who is struggling will not deliver a clear explanation of everything happening to them.
- “I can’t stop thinking about what happened.”
- “I wish they hadn’t done this to me.”
- “Nobody understands why this matters to me.”
- “I don’t feel right about my body.”
- “I don’t know how to live with this.”
- “I can’t do this anymore.”
What happens when somebody is dismissed?
Imagine spending years believing that nobody will understand something deeply painful to you. Eventually, you decide to tell somebody… And their response is:
- “It’s only circumcision.”
- “Millions of men are circumcised.”
- “You don’t remember it happening.”
- “Your parents thought they were doing the right thing.”
- “Other people have much worse problems.”
- “You look normal.”
- “You need to stop thinking about it.”
- “There’s nothing you can do about it now.”
- “It’s actually better, and you should feel grateful.”
These responses may even be intended to reassure, however they often have the opposite effect. The person has disclosed something with deep personal significance, but instead of being heard, they have been given reasons why they should not feel what they do. This does not resolve their issues, but They may decide not to raise the subject again.
This does not mean that one dismissive conversation causes suicide. Suicide and suicidal distress are complex and rarely have a single cause, but if we are serious about encouraging people to seek help, we also need to consider what happens when they do. Reaching out should not become another experience of rejection.
You don’t need to understand the experience to listen
If somebody tells you they are struggling because of circumcision, you do not have to know everything about circumcision. You do not have to share their experiences, and very often those who are affected are grateful to be able to talk to someone who does not dismiss, invalidate, or delegitimise their experience.
We need to start by listening.
You might say:
- “Tell me what’s been happening.”
- “How long have you been feeling like this?”
Allow the person to describe their own experience rather than telling them how they should interpret it. Avoid comparing their distress with somebody else’s, or downplaying it. Avoid debating circumcision while somebody is trying to tell you they are suffering, as invalidation and debate causes frustration, anger, and is not the response befitting someone who has been traumatised. This reaction from professionals can also undermine perception of their expertise and profession, as many men who are affected feel that trauma associated with non-consent genital cutting is self evident – even if the trauma only affects some.
There is a broader conversation surrounding circumcision and opportunity to debate and discuss evidence, ethics, medicine, culture, parenting or personal opinions, however a disclosure of distress is not the moment for a debate. It is a moment to listen. From the thousands of personal contacts that 15 Square has been involved in throughout our organisation’s existence we can confidently state that men affected are not confused, mistaken, nor dishonest. Many men do not feel psychologically impacted by circumcision, but many do. One man’s experience does not discount another.
“I began to find fault in myself and expect criticism or judgement from others, and there was nothing I could do to change my body back. I learnt that someone who loves you could harm you, so love was now a threat.
This event generated many negative beliefs that developed into low self-worth, depression, anger towards myself, and I felt ashamed of who I was. But all of that had to be kept a secret and I developed ways to show the world that I was a good person so they wouldn’t reject me, they would never see how I was really feeling about myself, it had to be locked away when I was around people.
I learnt how to project myself, express words of love and act in a pleasing way that a loving person would behave, yet I didn’t act from feelings of love. It was a performance, and I felt like I was an imposter.”
If you are worried about someone, ask.
Sometimes people worry that asking somebody directly whether they are thinking about suicide will put the idea into their head. It will not. If something somebody has said makes you concerned about their immediate safety, take the concern seriously. Ask clearly whether they are thinking about suicide or harming themselves. Listen to the answer. If they are at immediate risk, help them access emergency or specialist support. Stay with them where appropriate and safe to do so, and involve emergency services when necessary. You are not expected to become their therapist. Helping somebody access appropriate support is part of listening well.
Circumcision-related distress deserves to be taken seriously
One of the reasons 15 Square exists is because people affected by circumcision have historically struggled to find places where they can discuss their experiences openly. Circumcision affects people differently.
Acknowledging that some men experience significant harm does not require us to claim that every circumcised man experiences the same thing. It means listening to the people who do.
Some men who contact us are beginning to question their circumcision for the first time, whilst others have lived with distress for decades. Some want information about their anatomy or foreskin restoration, others are dealing with sexual difficulties. Some want to understand what happened medically. Many are angry, and others are grieving. Some primarily want to speak to another person who will not ridicule, minimise their experience or immediately turn the conversation into an argument about circumcision. Those needs are part of the reason our support services exist.
How 15 Square supports people
15 Square provides information and support for people affected by circumcision and related genital cutting.
- Our support includes peer support through our Discord community, where people can speak with others who have lived experience and understand many of the issues surrounding circumcision harm.
- We hold online support meetings, providing opportunities for people to talk, listen and connect with others.
- For eligible members based in the United Kingdom, we also provide access to talking therapies, giving people an opportunity to explore their experiences in a therapeutic setting.
- We provide information covering areas including circumcision complications, psychological impact, sexual difficulties, foreskin restoration, and alternatives to circumcision.
- We also work to make affected voices heard. Through lived-experience projects, research, education, conferences, media opportunities and engagement with medical and professional communities, we work to improve understanding of the experiences of people affected by circumcision.
The most simple and important part of supporting other’s begins one something much simpler:
Allowing me to say what happened and how they feel about it without somebody immediately telling you them that they are wrong.
“It’s great to know that I’m not alone as I often feel like I’m the only one who is suffering this, especially during these times of isolation and loneliness…
…I hope anyone who has suffered a form of genital mutilation or any sort of trauma can relate to what I am currently going through. It’s also really hard for men especially to share their struggles. I kept my struggles to myself for ages.”
If you have tried talking before and were dismissed
If you have experienced circumcision-related distress and previously tried to talk about it, you may already know how difficult the response from another person can be.
Perhaps somebody laughed, changed the subject, denied the harm, defended the decision, or simply expressed ignorance and shut down the conversation. Perhaps this even came from a healthcare professional.
Perhaps you stopped talking about it afterwards. Their response does not determine whether your experience deserves support. There are people who will listen. Trying to talk to another person or accessing another form of support may feel exhausting, particularly when speaking out once already required considerable effort. One person’s inability to understand circumcision-related distress does not mean that nobody will understand. A trusted friend, partner, GP, therapist, specialist support service or peer-support community may respond differently.
15 Square exists because people affected by circumcision should have somewhere that they can speak about their experiences seriously and without ridicule.
“…But my will to live was stronger, and I knew my psyche couldn’t go on with those thoughts forever, so I sought therapy.
Unfortunately, that first therapist’s response to a fairly direct plea for help in coming to terms with my circumcision was to say, and I quote: ‘Well, I’ve been at three and they all turned out fine.‘”
Suicide prevention is also about how we respond
During Suicide Prevention Month, we will continue to encourage people who are struggling to seek support, but we also want to direct part of that message towards everyone who might one day be the person somebody chooses to speak to. If a friend tells you he is struggling with being circumcised, listen.
If your partner tells you something about circumcision is affecting his sexual wellbeing, listen.
If your adult son tells you he is distressed about a decision made when he was a child, listen.
You do not have to immediately defend the decision. You do not have to determine whether his reaction is reasonable. You do not have to solve everything. You do not need the perfect words. You need to recognise that somebody has trusted you with something difficult. Take the disclosure seriously. Listen to what they are telling you. Ask what they need. If what you hear makes you concerned about their safety, help them reach appropriate professional support.
We spend a great deal of time telling struggling people that they need to talk. We should spend more time making sure that when they do, somebody is prepared to hear them.
“I’ve tried to talk about it to my family. Get it out in the open to try to get some answers. My brother thankfully, is supportive, but being cut himself, sits awkwardly on the fence. My sister and brother-in-law will quite likely never again welcome me into their home or speak to me, and it’s unlikely I can ever raise the subject with my parents. I’m the family’s little brain-damaged secret that they try not to mention in polite company; the one they talk ABOUT, but never WITH.”
Need support?
Disclaimer
15 Square is not an emergency mental-health or suicide crisis service.
This distinction matters.
Our community, peer support and other services can form part of somebody’s wider support network, but somebody experiencing an immediate mental-health crisis needs appropriate professional or emergency help.
If somebody tells you they are in immediate danger, do not rely solely on a charity, online community or peer-support group. Help them reach crisis or emergency services.
If you are affected by circumcision and want information or support, 15 Square provides a range of resources and support services through our website.
15 Square: https://15square.org.uk/
Support for circumcised men: https://15square.org.uk/circumcised-men/
If you are feeling suicidal, you are not alone and there is support available. You deserve to feel supported https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/
If you or somebody else is in immediate danger, call your national emergency response services. In the UK this is 999 or attend A&E. Below you can also find an external link to crisis hotlines internationally.
International Suicide Hotlines
For mental health support in the UK call 111 option 2. It’s the NHS 365 day 24 hour support for mental health crisis
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