Letter From A Circumcised Man To His 18 Year Old Self

Dear 18 year old me. Future you is wiser, but you have better hair. Older you is tougher and less angry, but underneath it all, I’m afraid we’re both still traumatised.

We’re still here though, so those times you felt suicidal about your circumcision and the problems it’s caused you – looks like you made it through after all. Not everyone does, unfortunately. Nobody deserves to feel like that though, whether they get over feeling suicidal or not.

If I could only step back in time to tell you one thing about the problems that our circumcision will cause us in the future, I would say this:

You have a lifetime of people pushing you away and telling you to get over yourself. Women will leave you because of the psychological and sexual issues it will cause you.
Doctors will sneer at you when you tell them that something’s not right.
Loved ones will tell you that it’s no big deal and it’s all in your head.
What’s really happening is that you need help and support, but for a while nobody will believe you. Try not to get too angry and upset about that, because it will eat you alive if you let it.

I’d also say your pain is real and valid, but you will worry that you’re whining, making a fuss over nothing, and that you’re not man enough to deal with having a part of your manhood stolen from you with violence.
Our mam will say “You’re not angry that you’re circumcised are you?” as if someone put your newspaper in the bin or used the last of the milk.

That’s going to take you a good few years to get your head around. My advice to you is don’t even go down the road of self-doubt.

The short answer to your confusion is yes – your circumcision did take far more from you than square inches of skin.
No, you are not pathetic for reacting normally to that.
Also, I want you to know that other men feel exactly the same way you do. You are not a freak.

I would also say that it’s going to get worse. It’s not like this for every man who’s circumcised, but it is for us.

By “it” I mean the lack of sensitivity in your penis.
You are starting to wonder if what you are feeling is normal for a lad your age.
No, it is not. It’s just not going to feel as good for you, because the doctor did a bit of damage. By the time you are my age, you will feel even less. One girlfriend will say “It’s a good thing though because you can keep going for ages!” and you will laugh and say yes because you’re in love with her, but really you will be dying inside.
The same girl will also leave you because she wants a boyfriend who’s not suffering from depression, which is likely caused by the issues stemming from your circumcision.

From the perspective of Older You, she isn’t the real love of your life, but she definitely was that particular year. So it won’t stop you from being heartbroken and feeling even more down on yourself.

I would then tell you that Old You is still, sadly, angry with our parents for letting the medical profession railroad them into having their baby circumcised.
Our parents have both passed on, but I can’t let the last specks of anger go. I want to remember them with love, as I did love them and I know they loved me – but this is such a barrier to my peace of mind.

I’m confident that circumcision wouldn’t have crossed their minds without a doctor suggesting it, pushing for it and implying that it was a normal, healthy and sane thing to do. That helps a little bit with forgiveness, but at the same time, they could have just said no.

My rage at the doctors and nurses was indescribable, when I realised the clinical detachment it takes to mutilate a screaming baby for no reason, I promise that you will feel anger like never before.
This is a normal and healthy reaction I think while cutting the foreskin from a hysterical newborn, seems objectively less healthy and normal and human to me.
But for a long time, society will tell you that you are the one that has things the wrong way around. It is maddening, but try not to let it get to you too much.

When you get married and hold your son for the first time, vowing to protect him with your very last breath, that anger will bubble over and haunt you for months. Every time you look at your helpless newborn, you will remember that your own parents allowed you to be taken to a room alone, where your arms and legs were strapped down, and you were butchered without anaesthetic.
We’re supposed to forget the pain you see, being so young. But I am certain that traces of that experience remain for me because although I don’t remember it happening, I was terrified of it happening to my son.

Mam’s dismissal of the whole issue has haunted me a lot. I used to put my head on her shoulder and tell her everything when I was little. But as I got older and this began to trouble me, she didn’t want to know. She’d say “That’s what everyone did. It was normal. It was hygienic. Your brother never had a problem with it.”

As much as I love and miss our mam, that put a distance between us.
There were things I could have told her after that – stuff about girls, stress and other things in my life, but I stopped bothering. If she could have just once acknowledged how I felt, I might have trusted her again.
My advice to you, my younger self, is not to expect the older generation to be sorry. It’s wonderful when they are, but don’t bother pushing for it. You’ll be disappointed.

Talk to Mam about other stuff, she still loves you. She still wants to hear about your broken heart and your gig tickets, and you’ll miss her and regret that distance when she’s not here any more.

I also want to tell you that circumcision has affected a whole generation of men, not just you. One day you will be able to talk openly with these men, but there are many more who struggle to say anything at all about it.
One thing you can be proud of when you are older is that you did build up the courage to talk about it, you did finally seek help, and you have listened to other men and validated their experience.

This took a long time and a lot of anxiety to get around to, but it was well worth doing. I want to tell you that nobody wants to belong to the circumcised and traumatised club, but it’s full of good men.
Men who just want to be husbands, business owners, fathers, teachers, friends and colleagues, but are forever haunted by the violent violation that occurred before they could even speak. These men are scarred and bruised, and that’s invisible to 99% of people.

Finally, I would tell you that older me is proud of you. For coping, even though you will feel like you weren’t doing so well sometimes.
Proud of you for hanging on, even though you sometimes didn’t feel like being alive for much longer.
Proud of you for finally finding people that understand, even though everyone in your life for many years told you that you were being pathetic and silly.
Proud of you for listening to others about their problems, whether they were caused by circumcision or not, because you know exactly how it feels to be emotionally abandoned by those who claim to care for you.
Just because they don’t want to know. Because “It’s just a bit of skin” or “you were a baby and you don’t remember”.

And finally, I’m proud of you for going on to have relationships, kids, sex and a life. What happened to you and to all of us is devastating, and it’s difficult at 18 and it’s difficult at 28, and at every age after that too, but we kept going.
Finally, I want you to know that all of that anger and despair has gone on to make a difference and that older you is campaigning and supporting changes that make people think twice about circumcising babies.
Although something was taken from us, we still have the strength to give back. In the end, we won. It’s been a rough battle though.

Take care, my 18 year old circumcised self, and I’ll see you in a few years.